Not Mad Any More

It has been almost four years since I added a new post to this blog. I did not fall off the planet, though there were times I wish I could have. A long time ago, I was mad at the world and I had every right to be justifiably so. My second marriage was in the Perfect Storm and the killer wave was just out of sight. My dad had passed away about two years earlier and so much had been left unsaid between us, so many things unresolved.

I was depressed, seeing a shrink and taking all the drugs she thought I needed. I was a zombie, alive but not, living, but feeling nothing. I don’t know how or why I found the strength to make it through to the next day, but sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other and ignoring the pain seemed to get me to a new sunrise.

I remember quite a few days I would wake up, watch the sun rise from my kitchen window, or if it was warm, from the steps of the side entrance to my house. I would think, “Yep, another day.” Turn and go back to bed and await the alarm clock call. When a weekend would arrive, one which I didn’t have to work, I would play with my kids.

I drove by the old house the other day, the one I surrendered in my bankruptcy, the new owners have cut all the tall grass around my beehives. I always figured I would make time to get these moved out before the foreclosure was complete, but just the thought of going out there and seeing the place was too painful. I saw my 2-meter J-pole radio antenna was still up and I wondered if the tree house I build for the kids was still in good shape. I imagine it could probably could use some paint.

My current (and last) wife has often told me, you have really bad luck. I guess I do, if you want to look at it that way, but I have always tried to make the best of it. I never saw any point in giving up, sure I want my space from time to time, who doesn’t. Still, I have always been the person who everyone relies on, but no one give support in return. Such is my lot in life.

My mood is much better these days. I quit college, because my ex suggested it might save our marriage, so I’m stuck paying my loans off. I have to pay child-support, but the judge let my ex move to another state, 6 hours away and I hardly get to see my children. She took the dog who waited every night for me to come home and play with it no matter what the weather. I guess I am in a better mood, because the lie is over, and I don’t have to be depressed any more.

I spent the day kayaking around a peaceful lake today. Listening to birdsong, and watching animals slip into the woods, or water at my approach. Buddha said, “You are not punished for your anger, you are punished by your anger.” I am not mad at the world any longer, and it feels… nice.

Mad at the World

The other night I was in a mood, a really foul mood. I think it was touched off by our lack of finances and lack of sleep. It got much worse once I started work, talk about frying pan into the fire. Around 8 pm due to stupidity on my part and bad foresight on the part of the company, I strained my bicep trying to completely empty a freezer of it’s contents. The skid I wanted of course was all the way in. I only had to move about 15 pallets to get to what I needed, then put them back of course. Did I mention I had to do this with a hand-jack?  A very stupid setup, and they wonder why it takes us so long to get the outbounds finished, DUH!

I feel much better today, even though I just received an 84.7% on my test. I thought I would have gotten around 90%, oh well.

I think I shall try to stay in a better mood. I hope to make some network connections today at the Summer Celebration at College. Hopefully that is.

The Turning Tide

Time does not heal all wounds, my loss is still as fresh in my mind as the day it happened. I have began to put one foot in front of the other, and I am attempting to move ahead. It has been a long time since my last post, and quite a bit has happened in this time. I have returned to counseling, complete with meds. At times it seems to be working, other times forget it. Last Thursday, I sat in the park after class (more about class in a moment) texting my wife. I told her that I couldn’t motivate myself to go to work and that I felt like just sitting in the park all day. After a while I was convinced that I could not afford to miss work, or should I say afford to miss pay. The rest of day really sucked canal water, the word busy wouldn’t have even began to describe the day.  Enough about that wonderful day.

Next I have returned to college. Faced with the prospect of spending the rest of my working days on a forklift, working for squat and putting up with impossible people (that is really being nice). The way I saw it I had three possible choices. One, shut up grit my teeth and bare it. Two, go off the deep end. Three, change careers. After much thought, I opted for number 3. I have started taking classes at a local college for surgical technology. A really bold move for me I must say. It is tough going to school full-time and working full-time, but at least I have motivation to go to work now.

More of my friends are moving away, either physically or by failing to stay in contact. My attempts to make new friends hasn’t been completely successful. Everyone here in college seems to be in the same boat as I am. Juggling work, family and school leaves little time for social interaction. How I long to just sit down and talk a few hours a week with someone who will listen without judging me first. Again, enough about that, lest I depress myself. I am sure it will all turn out for the best, if I don’t make friends here in college, I will when I begin to work in my new career.

The time may be turning, I will keep paddling and bailing when necessary.

Almost a year now…

2 more days…  Dad can you hear me? Can you see me? I try not to cry. I try to remember everything you taught me, everything you told me. I wish I had found time to visit you more those last few months. If only I knew then what I know now, it would all be so very different.

Monday I have to work, I know you would tell me that I have to to take care of my family, still my mind won’t be on my work. I know one day we will be together again and even though I am not trying to rush toward that day, I do look forward to it. See you then dad. I promise I will try not to cry, or at least too much. I miss you and I love you.

Dreaded Anniversary

1. November 19 2007 will mark the first anniversary of my life without my dad. As the days tick off, bringing me closer and closer to that day, my emotions and my thoughts bubble to the surface.  I will forever hate that day a year ago, no matter how stupid that statement sounds. My world was forever changed, but the rest of the world hardly noticed. How ironic is that?

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let you hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”  John 14:27

Litter & Critters

While going in to work a bit early (about noon-ish) I saw something white moving back and forth on the road about a half a mile ahead of me. I was surprised when I closed in on the mystery creature making circles on the country road ahead. It was a half-grown skunk who needed rescuing. It seems that someone had finished eating their yogurt and had tossed the container along the side of the road. Well, the young skunk, trying to get the last bit of the tasty treat out of this container, found out that it had made a serious (possibly deadly) blunder, it’s head was stuck quite fast.

BDA to the rescue! Do you think I could drive by and not attempt to help the poor thing? You’re right, I couldn’t. It took a while for me to figure out just how I was going to do this task without it thanking me the wrong way. Then it came to me; if I opened the door (holding it open with my left foot) and put my car in the path of the the little stinker I just might be able to grab the yogurt container. So, with one hand on the wheel and the other on the gear-shift (thank goodness I have an automatic transmission) I was able to do it on the second attempt.

The moment I grabbed the cup the skunk froze (and I held my breath) I shifted in to drive and grabbed the wheel with my right hand. I pulled up on the cup and lifted the little varmit off the ground. It was really stuck fast. Still holding my breath I shook it up and down. Skunks have very big claws, by the way, but it wasn’t able to see where to use these weapons so it just held them out and flailed in the air. On the fifth or sixth shake it dropped to the ground, and like a rocket I was gone. I saw it run into a soybean field as I made my exit. About a quarter of a mile later I stopped and smashed the cup with my foot then backed over it with the car.

So, I got the satisfaction of helping one of God’s creature’s out of a man-made sitution and had a funny story to amuse my co-workers to boot. By the way, some of them told me they would have either drove by and left it or ran over it. Good thing for the skunk I am not one of them, and good thing for me it thanked me the right way by just running away, much to my relief.

A Step of Obedience

In the morning I will follow my Savior’s example and be baptised. They tell me that this is more of an outward sign to the world saying to the world, “I am a follower of Jesus!” I don’t know if I can fully explain the significance to a non-believer. Here is a website I found useful… http://members.tripod.com/~robertwells/factors.html. I will post again soon. GBU!

And Baby Makes 6

Today my wife delivered our first son, Jacob Alexander, at 12:04 PM, He weighed 6 lbs 8 oz and was 20″ long. I told myself a while ago that it didn’t matter to me if it was a boy or girl, but now I have to admitt that it does. It must be some sort of primal male trait that I didn’t know that I had. I love all my children equally, and would sacrifice my life to save any one of them without a second thought. Still, I feel strange somehow; like a feeling of completeness in my life now prevades my being. Sound strange? It does to me.

 http://www.growingfamily.com/webnursery/babypage_view.asp?URLID=1F8J0X9S6J

Who knows? Anyway, it has been a very long day for us all. My only wish is that dad could have held Jacob. I know he would have loved that. I can almost see him smile.

Aaarrrrrrrrrg!!!

Raising a teenager is driving me crazy! She wanted to go to school where her mother lives; and since she wasn’t doing well at the school down here I gave her my consent. So, silly me, I thought that if she was down there for the school year, I would have her for the summer. Wrong again. Let’s go Sunday to Sunday, she tells me, yet I know where she will be when she is down here, she will stay with my mom. I would really like to spend some time with her before she grows up and I never see her again. Everyone else gets to spend time with her except me! Everyday it seems she moves farther from me. It just isn’t fair. Sigh… Oh well. Time for work.

Gloom, dispair & agony on me…

I have come to the conclusion that my blog is rather depressing. My life isn’t a reflection of my blog, it’s just that I have been using this site as a place to vent (which is okay, because the site is mine). Still, those who don’t know me might think I am walking around with my head hanging low, and slipping & tripping on my tears. Rest assured self piety only accounts for a very small percentage of my daily schedule, if I find time for it at all.

My daily grind looks something like this… “Daddy, we’re hungry.” Must be morning already, okay terminate sleep program. Make toast, or waffles or eggs and feed my hungry prodigy. Throw some kitty-kibble in the bowl for the two vermin slayers. (I think food looks, smells, and tastes really bad for about 1 hour after waking, by the way.) Brow-beat the kids about the mess they are making, have made, or will make. Turn on a movie, game, or something else that will amuse the children for an all too short period of time. Vegetate for a while, either on the Internet or in front of the tube. Pry my backside off the chair and get in the shower (I like showers, I really do. Still, there is that brief moment that I hate stepping into the stream of water.) Get dressed for work, making sure I have everything I need (keys, pen, wallet, change, etc). “Daddy, we’re hungry, we want… (insert an endless string of food-items here, of course they want totally different things.) Cook something feed the family. Kiss everyone goodbye (not the cats!) hugs and go out the door. Feed my 12 year-old best friend, and give him a chewie (rawhide chew). Fire up the 4-cylinder ultra-compact and head down the road. To take my mind off of my destination I either turn on some music, or talk to some friends on 2-meters (amature radio). The next 8+ hours I sit on my tail while loading and unloading trailers, do a small mountain of paperwork and resist the urge to filter the gene pool a bit. (I should have really finished college.) After all that fun, I clock out and drive home, again listening to music or talking on the radio. As I pull in the driveway I’m greeted by Tchaikovsky (my dog, not the composer). I give him another chewie and tell him goodnight. I check my mail box and go inside the house. Another handful of kitty-kibble in the bowl and scratch under a chin or two (you know I believe if cats could talk, I don’t think they would even say thank you, ungrateful creatures.) Spend time with my beloved, talk about appointments and such, cuddle. Check my email, surf the web anything to get tired again. Make like Bucky Beaver (brush teeth, my Mom used to always say that) and wash up and go to bed. Activate sleep program. Zzzzzzzzz.

Pretty exciting huh? And not a bit of self-piety. :p